User talk:Carsten.braatz

I was the youngest of 3. Both my parents were older!

My father raised me. My mother had left before I was born!

Now I'm 34 and still have this million dollar body. It's all in loose change though. Living back in the UK has made me so fat that when I step on a pound I end up with loads of pennies.

My GP said I should do something two three times a week that gets me slightly out of breath. So I started smoking again!

The UK is a dangerous place so I bought this security vest. It's skin coloured and has this massive front shield. It puts a bit of weight on but it has this water cooled system. I can drain the water right in the arm pits.

When I moved to a small village outside London I had to lower my expectations. This village is so boring, the other day a branch fell of a tree and I got an adrenalin shot. I stood there fore 20 minute to see if another one falls down but nothing. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

Statistics say that 20 years ago we were all 2 inch shorter. Applies to me, too. I was a kid then.

I admit I had to join the AA. That's the Antisports Association. We go to the gym three times a week. They have a brilliant restaurant.

I prefer self service restaurants though. Sometimes I tip myself so much that I go out and buy something nice.

The other day I had an outer body experience. I was beside myself.

I'm currently looking for a new job. I thought about becoming an optician. I designed a shop sign in a blurry fond.

But shop owners are animals. So I thought about what separates us from the animals. Fences!

But then I gave up the dream of having a shop. I mean I'm not supersticious but I heard a guy fell out of the 13th floor of a building, and he died!

I felt sorry for him but I didn't go to church to pray. Churches depress me. They are all built in graveyards.

I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.

I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.

As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.

Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.