User:GoldenSandslash15/VoyagerAbridged1and2

(Text Crawl at the beginning, voiced over with a narrator.)

In the year 2371, Starfleet sent out the U.S.S. Voyager to find a missing Maquis ship. Both Voyager and the Maquis ship were lost in the distant Delta Quadrant. Both crews worked together to get back to Earth. But it was mostly just Paramount's idea to extract more money off of a popular franchise.

Captain Kathryn Janeway, the main character, would go on to cameo in Star Trek Nemesis for no good reason whatsoever. But this is not her story. Nor is it Voyager's story.

This is the story….

…of a crappy parody series.

(A logo appears, Star Trek Voyager: The Abridged Series)

(The Val Jean is flying through the Badlands)

Chakotay: You don't think the viewers will mind if we start the show in the middle of the battle? I mean, it's not like they need to know who we're fighting or anything.

Tuvok: Any viewer who has been keeping up with Deep Space Nine knows that the Cardassians are the major threat in the quadrant at this time.

(The Caretaker's Wave Shows up on sensors)

Tuvok: Until now. I am detecting a wave moving toward us. We're heading for the other side of the galaxy.

(Cue music - Everybody's Gone Surfin' - Surfin' Galaxy)

(The Federation prison where Tom Paris is being held)

Janeway: How would you like to betray your Maquis pals?

Paris: Sounds cool.

(Stadi and Paris are in the shuttle going to Voyager)

Paris: Wow. She's beautiful.

Stadi: U.S.S. Voyager, Intrepid-class, 15 decks, crew complement 130.

Paris: No, I meant you. Will you go out with me?

Stadi: What?

Paris: Well, you're the only female I've seen so far aside from the captain, and everyone knows that captains can't fall in love with those under them.

(Cue montage of all the girls James T. Kirk has kissed - if it doesn't exceed the storage space on the entire Internet, which it might)

Paris: So you'll do it?

Stadi: Oh, why not?

Paris: Yay! I got a date! I'm sure that nothing will go wrong and mess up this relationship now.

(Deep Space Nine Scene with Quark)

Quark: You are a backstabber and are being very rude to your parents. Unless you give me all of your money. Then I am sure that they will be happy. Because you helped a Ferengi. That's what Human parents like.

Kim: You make a good point. Take all my money.

Paris: Oh, you don't want to do that, Ensign. I'm sure that there's a shapeshifter somewhere that can punish him for you.

Kim: What makes you say that?

Paris: I watched Deep Space Nine.

Kim: Anything I should know?

Paris: Well, we're basically Bashir and O'Brien.

Kim: Sounds good.

(Paris and Kim enter sickbay on Voyager)

Voyager's Original Chief Medical Officer: Why hello, Mr. Paris. Even though we just met, I along with every other member of the crew hate you. So try not to get injured. Even a doctor can make "mistakes." Hee…. hee…. hee….

Paris: Wow. I didn't think that this parody would actually change character traits. I mean, it seemed pretty accurate thus far.

Voyager's Original Chief Medical Officer: Oh that. The creator wanted this series not to be a standard parody with unnecessary swearing and pop culture jokes. Thankfully, he was injured. And his doctor made a few "mistakes." Hee…. hee…. hee….

(Janeway's Ready Room)

Janeway: She's pregnant.

Mark: Don't worry, I'll take care of your bitch for you.

Janeway: Thanks, honey.

(Kim and Paris walk in)

Kim: Ensign Kim and Observer Paris reporting for duty, sir.

Janeway: Please call me "Captain."

Kim: No, ma'am.

(Mess Hall)

Cavit: And that is why you cannot trust Tom Paris.

Kim: But we just switched to this scene. I have no idea what you said. Shouldn't we at least fill the viewers in?

Cavit: Oh please. Do you think this parody series will actually become popular enough to get viewers?

Kim: Well, there's always the chance.

Cavit: Any viewers that haven't seen the original Star Trek: Voyager?

Kim: Point taken.

Paris: Told you it wouldn't take you long to find out.

Kim: You're right. I should have known from the beginning that this parody series was doomed to fail.

Paris: I told you.

Kim: So then why did you join?

Paris: I'm contractually obligated.

(Bridge)

Janeway: We're in the Badlands.

Stadi: There's a wave coming towards us! And we've already used the Surfing USA joke! This could mean trouble.

Janeway: Brace for impact.

Cavit: Since you've said to brace for impact, I'm going to defy all logic and just run straight to the front of the ship to get hit by it. kthxbai

(video pauses)

(A bunch of voices, among them Voyager's Original Chief Medical Officer and Chief Engineer, complain that Cavit got a way out of the crappy parody series and they didn't. The narrator returns with a text crawl.)

Okay, fine. You can die too.

Ungrateful punks.

(Back to the bridge)

Paris: Captain, I've got bad news.

Kim: He's right. We've just been transported over 70,000 lightyears from where we were.

Paris: No, I meant Stadi is dead. Now I don't have a date, so I'm stuck with Janeway.

(Sickbay)

Kim: Computer, activate the Emergency Medical Hologram.

The Doctor: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

Kim: Look around. The ship is nearly torn apart, injured people are coming in from all over the ship, and we have no other medical personnel. What do you think?

The Doctor: I was programmed to be as human-like as possible, so I don't know anything unless I Google it first.

Kim: We're all the way in the Delta Quadrant. An Internet connection from here with 24th century technology would still be slower than a dial-up connection.

The Doctor: That can't be.

Kim: I'm afraid so.

The Doctor: No, I mean that can't be, cause otherwise this video would stop loading right abou-

(Freeze frame for five seconds, and place a YouTube "loading" symbol over it)

(When the video resumes, the patient gets taken by the caretaker's array)

(The barn scene)

Kim: It sure was nice of the Caretaker to get the video loading for us again.

Janeway: Indeed. Let's repay him by destroying this landscape so that he performs dangerous experiments on us.

Paris: Captain, what about The Doctor? He wasn't transported over here, so he would still be loading.

Janeway: You worry needlessly, Mr. Paris. Do you even realize how hard it would be to edit him out of future episodes?

(Painful scene of Kim getting injected with an injection)

Kim: Ow. You gave me an ouchie.

(Back to Voyager)

Janeway: It's good to know that 100% of my crew is safe. Starfleet Command would give me an A+.

Paris: Kim didn't come back with us.

Janeway: 99.2308% is still an A+, Mr. Paris. But we can increase the number of our crew to raise my grade. Hail the Maquis.

(They do.)

Janeway: Come aboard.

Chakotay: Joining forces with Starfleet. This day can't get any worse.

(Cut to when he's on Voyager (don't even waste time to show the transport))

Janeway: Welcome to our incredibly damaged ship. Tuvok's a spy. Paris helped us find you.

Chakotay: Damn you, Murphy's law.

(Cut to your local news)

Newsperson: …thereby leaving all responsibilities to the vice president. And now, here's the weather.

Weatherman: We've got a warm front moving in, giving us a high of 76 today. In other news, the Array seems to be acting very strangely this time of year. Scientists are not sure whether this affects the weather at all.

(Back to the barn)

Janeway: Give us back our friends, Banjo Man.

Caretaker: I can't do that. I need their bodily fluids in order to reproduce.

Janeway: Woah. Too much information there, buddy. I mean, seriously. You can't just go around saying that like it's nothing. You've just given our entire viewing audience unpleasant images that will never go away.

Caretaker: I'm sending you back to your ship now.

Janeway: Wait wait wait. What? That's it? We're just gonna glance over it like that? I think this needs an explanation.

Caretaker: Well, the writers forgot to give me a reason, so I'll just send you back to your ship.

(Bridge)

Nameless Crew Person: What did he say?

Janeway: He told me about my nightmare for the next two weeks.

(Ready Room)

Janeway: I feel guilty for losing Harry Kim.

Tuvok: He has not done anything yet. At this point in the series, he is simply a redshirt. Clearly, this is a good enough reason to end Part 1.

Janeway: What a disappointing cliffhanger. No wonder this show is gonna fail.

~ Voyager Abridged ~ Part Two ~ Electric Bugaloo

Neelix: GET OUT OF MY JUNKYARD!

Janeway: Want us to give you everything you want for free?

Neelix (grudgingly): Fine. If you insist.

(Transporter Room)

Tuvok: Welcome to Voyager. I am Lieutenant Tuvok.

Neelix: You're like Spock. I can be your McCoy.

Tuvok: This is highly illogical. Paramount should have learned annoying characters do not work ever since they tried Wesley Crusher in The Next Generation.

(Ocampan Hospital where Torres and Kim are)

Ocampan Doctor: We're going to treat you like royalty here. This is going to be really nice for you.

Torres: Sounds great.

Ocampan Doctor: Oh yeah, by the way, you only have a couple of days to live. kthxbai

(Exterior View of Voyager)

Neelix: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

(Bathtub scene with Neelix)

Tuvok: We have arrived.

Neelix: Finally.

(He stands up)

Tuvok: It appears that my comparison with you to a pre-pubic child was correct in more ways than one.

(Ocampan planet surface)

Neelix: Hi, random Kazon sect. Can I double-cross you and steal your Ocampan slave girl?

Kazon: Do we get to keep the water?

Neelix: No.

Kazon: Deal.

(Voyager's sickbay)

Janeway: Unacceptable, Mr. Neelix. You nearly got us killed.

Neelix: But you've got Kes now. And she can do wonderful things. Like, um… uh… um… Well, let's see, this is before she starts her medical training… and this is before she comes up with the idea of growing plants… um… uh…

Kes: I'm just here to give the show sex appeal, aren't I?

Neelix: That'll do.

(Ocampan Underground Area)

Tuvok: The Caretaker is dying.

Janeway: That sucks for him. Let's go save Kim and Torres.

(Ocampan Planet Surface)

(Paris, Kim, Neelix, Torres, and Kes emerge from the underground)

Paris: Since we are now safe, let's go back and be unsafe again.

Neelix: Sounds suicidal. Why would you do that?

Paris: My girlfriend kinda died on me today.

(They return for Tuvok and Janeway and Chakotay)

Paris: If I save you, then your life belongs to me.

Chakotay: Way to offend any Native American viewers that this show had.

(Bridge of the Val Jean)

Chakotay: We would have more resources for our journey home if we had two ships, but I'm gonna do the stupid thing and destroy my own ship.

(Bridge of Voyager)

Janeway: Destroy the array.

Kazon: You guys suck. Just for that, we're gonna be the main antagonists for the next two seasons.

Chakotay: Yeah, sure. Next you'll be telling me that you're sleeping with my girlfriend.

(Ready Room)

Neelix: Even though it would take us 70,000 lightyears away from our homes, we want to come with you.

Janeway: Okay. But only because you come with her.

(Bridge)

Tuvok: It is the end of our first episode, Captain. Traditionally, there is a long speech given by the main character explaining what will happen.

Janeway: We're alone. Let's go home.

Paris: That will do. Setting a course for home. Maximum warp.

(Text appears on screen)

THE END

Created By GoldenSandslash

(Sickbay)

The Doctor: You forgot about me, didn't you? Can't you turn off the program when you leave?

Narrator: Computer, end episode.

(Cut to black)

The Doctor: Now wait just a minute, I haven't been deactivated yet. (pause) Hello? (pause) Very funny guys. (pause) Uh… anybody there?