Talk:Acamarian

Some data about the Acamarians, the two rivaling clans and Penthor-Mul was seen on several viewscreens during the episode. I'll upload them here.

image 1
HISTORY FILE 96346  TRALESTA MASSACRE

After the battle XXXXXXX of 43075-17 the

Lornak Clan mounted a series of offensives

against XXXXXXXXXXX Trelestans military

force accepted by the Tralesta and the

T'Bron clans. The Spring of 4321 brought

a series of violent reprisals against  the

population center near TamXXXXX City's

xxx x xxxxxx the already delicate balance

of the region. In a XXXXX new recieved in

XX cases  or  inaccurate  estimates  of Tralesta offensive capability. The Lornak

mounted a preemptive military action

against the Tralesta homeland. The attack

was particularly brutal because of the

extensive use of chemical and biological

xxxxxxx xxxxx   xxxxxxxx   xx xxxxx  xxxxxxxxxxxx

of the Tralesta Clan. See also file 678821


 * So much of this is a guess, I wouldn't depend on it. --Aurelius Kirk 03:43, 17 February 2006 (UTC)

image 3


PENTHAR MUL

BORN - 4321 Lornak City

PARENTS - Poltho Mul / Preger Mul

DIED - 4627 Cause of Death   Cardiac Arrest

CLAN AFFILIATION - Clans of Lornak

OTHER - The special security files 867-4734234 and XXX-4xxXX4425  are arrest records and judicial proceedings.


 * My best guess. --Aurelius Kirk 02:05, 17 February 2006 (UTC)

image 4


DEATH RECORDS ARCHIVES

DCID-6253 CCMS

PENTHOR MUL

Died 4277 - cause of death: cardiac arrest - autopsy inconclusive

due to lack of cardiac muscle in XXXXXation  or arterial XXXXXXXX


 * Best I can manage from the relevant entry. --Aurelius Kirk 02:57, 17 February 2006 (UTC)

Summary of my (rather significant) changes
I made quite a few significant stylistic changes (vis-á-vis substantive). These include, inter alia, (sorry; had get some Latin in there along with the French. I'm so dumb/pretentious. *_*):


 * POV: present to past
 * "Grammar" (if you believe English has one): eg, removed unnecessary words
 * Prose/style: fewer difficult passive-voice phrases
 * Dubious fact removal: do we know for certain they're native to the Alpa Q.? If so, please add it back in, perhaps with an explanation of why we know that.
 * And one substantive: inserted note about the difficulties encountered when an assassination attempt nearly derailed the peace talks.

Oh, one more:


 * Alluded to the fact that not all members of that one clan were killed (a line survived to take revenge). I called it the "perceived" destruction, but I don't like that phrasing. And we can't say just one survived – how else would the line survive? Or am I mixing up things? Maybe they used asexual reproduction or lived very long and could appear youthful. ?

It could definitely use more intrawiki links. And one phrase especially bothers me: the one about blood chemistry. I removed the word "odd" from the description of their blood makeup (who decides what is "odd" blood? Seems too human-centric.), but I didn't want to use the word "blood" twice in one sentence. I thus changed the link "blood chemistry" to the piped "chemistry." Please fix that poor phrasing. ;) I'm too lazy, and it needs fresh eyes. (Edit note: please see addendum below)

Other than that, I kept the essence intact. Still, please wholescale revert if you like: it won't offend me. --Cepstrum (talk) 12:51, November 20, 2010 (UTC)

Addendum: "blood chemistry link" gaffe
Note: ''this is largely moot now. See next "addendum", please.

I just discovered blood chemistry isn't an article but re-directs to blood. Oops. Now the "blood sentence" really must change. --Cepstrum (talk) 12:58, November 20, 2010 (UTC)

Addendum II: Blood and vagueness
I "fixed" the sentence about the blood. But I have some questions about canon facts and vagueness regarding this phrase, which was left-over from a previous version. It states
 * [their blood composition] was a rarity in their part of the galaxy.


 * Do no other species around, eg, have iron-based blood? And what does it mean? After all, humans have iron-rich blood.
 * "Their part of the galaxy"? What does that mean? Their quadrant? Their sector? Solar system? It seems quite vague, unless, of course, someone stated it that way in the episode (such as the CMO or Data when doing an autopsy on the dead man).

--Cepstrum (talk) 13:42, November 20, 2010 (UTC)